CONTROL VS TRUST

First, let me say. I do not know how this whole ‘blogging’ thing works. Am I suppose to make so many posts in so many days? I don’t know! I can only do what my brain allows. I know you can make money at it but I don’t know how! Maybe someday I will learn all that but, for now, I am simply doing this for me. For my therapy and hoping to encourage YOU, that you will know you can make it through, even the hardest trials in life! Even with a brain injury!

I have always been a pretty confident person (for the most part), In control and an ‘I can do anything’ attitude! A control freak? I don’t think so but maybe. You’ll have to ask my hubby! 🙂 teehee.

I’m a doer, therefore, if it needed done, I’d make it happen. Just that simple. When we added on to our first home, in Bellevue, I drew up the plans, got approval from the city and acted as the general contractor. Done. When my boys wanted to be in every sport out there, on one income, I taught them how to start a business, got multiple wholesale accounts, and helped pay for all their ‘funtivities’. Done. When my oldest son and brother started a trucking business in North Dakota, I dealt with the red tape of the government and 2 states, got all necessary permits, handled all bookkeeping, and helped them make it happen (while working a full time job). Done. Just a few examples to show I have always been an in control, get ‘er done, do anything person.

The last 2 years have been very…….ahhh…. let’s go with, CHARACTER BUILDING!

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The physical pain seems to be easier to deal with than the TBI/PTSD. I ‘look fine’, I know. I wish I were ‘fine’. 🙂 I simply cannot do what I once did. Not yet. A brain injury is a crazy beast that effects so much of who I am. I get soooo over stimulated so easily which limits my activities, outings and social events (with friends, family & my home businesses). To focus or concentrate for any period of time causes sheer brain exhaustion. I am ALWAYS off balance, feel like a bobble head on a moving boat and always feel as though my brain is ‘floating’. Crazy, I know. It’s seriously the most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with!

I told my neurologist… ‘I may not have the highest IQ, but I could do anything..I’d figure it out. I have always been able to count on my brain’. She told me ‘this may be as good as it gets and may be my new normal’. I KNOW what I was capable of and I just want to be that again! I WILL BE BACK but have had to realize, it’s a process and coming to terms with that has been difficult, to say the least. It’s like a triple dog dare! DON’T tell me I can’t! I WILL prove you wrong!

TUG OF WAR

I keep trying to take control, to ‘fix’ it, to ‘help’. How many of you do this? ‘Here God, let me help you with that’…like He needs help! I am learning to get over myself! (teehee) Therefore, I am learning I must limit myself, my activities and even home business efforts. I thought I could work my side hustles, since I truly at home! You know, to help…financially! Nope, I just can’t handle being on the computer, texting, talking, listening, reading, learning, remembering, ‘thinking’ that much! It sounds ridiculous, I know, but it is my (temporary) reality.

It’s been a battle… a tug of war with God! I give it, I take it. Over and over. Because of my limitations and ‘temporary new me’ I have gone through a grief process…. losing myself is a loss like no other! I have gone through all the emotions… Anger, thankfulness, depression, Gratefulness, anger denial, understanding, bargaining, guilt, stubbornness, anger -yes, I know I said it twice, and finally acceptance. Accepting the temporary new me, limiting myself and knowing I have to trust and give up control. NOT give up, just give up control!

GUESS WHO WON

I can keep trying… and failing, or trust and give it to Him! God has shown me over and over that, for now, my only job is to heal, trust and let HIM be in control! I must trust that He wants what’s best for me, He’s got my back and HE IS IN CONTROL! The outcome with my health, medical bills, & insurance will be what it will be. There is nothing I can do about ANY of it… except, trust, believe and pray….oh, and give up control! LOL! That ‘ol saying ‘let go and let God’. Yep, that’s my reality! I simply need to TRUST that it will all be ok! We will be ok. I WILL BE OK!

It’s funny but in my weakness I am learning my strength! This is powerful and an amazing blessing!

A couple scriptures keep me in check. A dear friend, more like an angel in our lives, gave me this necklace that sums up the trust of God in my life. Romans 8:28. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Also, Proverbs 3:5-6 ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.

I believe He IS directing my path and IS working all things to His purpose! And, at least for now, it is here, Grit, Grace and Gratitude! To share my journey with YOU; To encourage you that even in the darkest, hardest, most trying times…. God IS there! And…if we trust and allow Him….IS IN CONTROL!

YOU BLESS ME!

Thank you so much for joining my journey and all the incredibly kind, encouraging and uplifting words! I am so very grateful for you all! If you’d like to join me on social media, the links are to the right, in the sidebar. (Look at me…knowing it’s called a ‘sidebar’! LOL! 🙂 And, again, I apologize that this is all over the place. I can only mess with it so much.

God’s richest blessings in your victories, trials and life! And don’t forget to sprinkle kindness everywhere you go!

Tami Dupuis | Grit, Grace and Gratitude